Disclaimer

This post reflects our personal experiences as parents and is written in a private capacity. It is not connected to my professional role as a nurse and should not be interpreted as professional commentary. All individuals, schools and organisations are anonymised. The views expressed are entirely personal and intended for reflection only, in line with the NMC Code (NMC, 2018).

Sometimes parenting delivers a scenario you never quite expected:

On Friday afternoon I picked up our son from school — no news, no warnings, nothing seemed amiss. He didn’t volunteer anything — which, in itself, is hardly surprising. Then on Saturday, at a birthday party, my wife started receiving text messages from a fellow parent. The allegation: her daughter had told her that during a maths lesson/competition our son had spat at her.

That was the first we’d ever heard of it. No teacher had contacted us, no mention in the evening. Just a message mid-party.

The Characters, the Conflict

We have known the other family for years. Their daughter and our son have shared a classroom for a long time. They differ markedly in temperament. Our son is competitive, vocal about fairness and rules, and intolerant of cheating—or what he perceives as “unfair play.” He admitted that there was tension, that words were exchanged in the contest, but he firmly denied ever spitting.

One salient point for us: when our son does misbehave, he knows it. He often becomes emotional, upset, expresses remorse. That kind of emotional response is part of his pattern. This time, none of that occurred. The behaviour alleged would be entirely out of character. So yes, we started from a place of believing him.

What Can You Do as a Parent?

Here are some options (each with potential risks or benefits) when faced with a serious allegation from another parent:

1. Do nothing / absorb silently — allow the situation to fade. This may avoid escalation but also risks unaddressed resentment or repeated conflict.
2. Reply in writing (polite but firm) — as my wife did: “We have spoken to our son; he denies the allegation; as the school did not contact us, we are not accepting this claim uncritically.”
3. Go to the school / teacher directly — to clarify, seek facts, and invite the school to mediate.
4. Request a formal meeting (parents + teacher or mediator) — to get all sides on record and ensure fairness.
5. Escalate to school leadership (headteacher, pastoral lead) if the teacher is not equipped or willing to intervene.

In our case, the text thread ended with an “agreement” to involve the school, so this morning I went in, spoke with the class teacher, and laid out the situation — exactly as above.

The Teacher Conversation

The teacher was not previously aware of a spitting incident but acknowledged friction during the maths challenge — especially given disparity in ability, and the fact that both children are vocal personalities. She also understood what we mean by “fairness” being important to our child and agreed it’s not unreasonable to expect him to speak out when he perceives something unfair.

During this conversation I made it clear that we didn’t appreciate being contacted by text message during a social occasion and would have preferred a face-to-face conversation. Written messages can sometimes come across more abrupt than intended, and a direct discussion would have felt more constructive and respectful.

I further expressed that, given the other parent works within the school (in a nursery capacity), the school should perhaps ensure there is no conflict of interest or undue influence. I asked the class teacher to speak to that parent and provide an update to us once done.

Aligning with School Policy & UK Guidelines

I then started looking at some guidelines – specifically national guidelines for this issue:

National guidance is clear: every school must have a written behaviour policy that is communicated to staff, parents and pupils (Child Law Advice, 2024). Schools are also required to follow Department for Education (DfE) statutory advice on behaviour, which emphasises consistency, fairness and a whole-school approach (DfE, 2024a).

Where allegations or disputes occur, parents are generally expected to raise concerns through the class teacher or the school’s formal complaints procedure, rather than confront other families directly.

Many schools adopt a parental behaviour or conduct policy, which outlines expectations for respectful communication, both in person and online (Holywell School, 2022).

Locally, the Richard Huish Trust — which oversees several schools in Taunton — publishes behaviour, complaints and safeguarding policies that are designed to ensure fair and professional handling of such situations (Richard Huish Trust, 2024).

Its safeguarding framework emphasizes that all staff and associates must act in the child’s best interests and maintain professional boundaries (Richard Huish Trust, 2022).

For us, this reinforces that the school — not text messages — should be the arena where these things are resolved.

Question to readers (parents especially)

How would you have handled this? Ignore, confront, or go through the school?

References

Child Law Advice (2024) Discipline within school. Available at: https://childlawadvice.org.uk/information-pages/discipline-within-school/ (Accessed: 28 September 2025).

Department for Education (DfE) (2024a) Behaviour in schools: advice for headteachers and school staff. London: DfE. Available at: https://assets.publishing.service.gov.uk/media/65ce3721e1bdec001a3221fe/Behaviour_in_schools_-_advice_for_headteachers_and_school_staff_Feb_2024.pdf (Accessed: 29 September 2025).

Department for Education (DfE) (2024b) A guide for parents on school behaviour and exclusion. London: DfE. Available at: https://www.gov.uk/government/publications/school-exclusions-guide-for-parents/a-guide-for-parents-on-school-behaviour-and-exclusion (Accessed: 29 September 2025).

Holywell School (2022) Parental behaviour policy. Available at: https://holywellschool.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/2022/08/Parental-Behaviour-Policy.pdf (Accessed: 28 September 2025).

Nursing and Midwifery Council (NMC) (2018) The Code: Professional standards of practice and behaviour for nurses, midwives and nursing associates. London: NMC. Available at: https://www.nmc.org.uk/standards/code/ (Accessed: 28 September 2025).

Richard Huish Trust (2022) Safeguarding and child protection policy. North Curry Primary School (part of Richard Huish Trust). Available at: https://www.northcurryschool.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/2022/09/RHT-Safeguarding-Child-Protection-Policy-FINAL-2022.pdf (Accessed: 29 September 2025).

Richard Huish Trust (2024) Policies and procedures. Richard Huish College. Available at: https://www.huish.ac.uk/about-huish/policies-and-procedures/ (Accessed: 28 September 2025).